Have you ever agreed to spend money on something and then immediately regretted it?

Maybe someone suggested going out to dinner, and you knew it wasn’t really in your budget, but you went anyway. Maybe you bought a more expensive Christmas gift because you didn’t want someone to feel like you hadn’t put much thought into it. Or maybe you’re already thinking about everything you need to buy, cook, decorate, and organize for the holidays, and you haven’t even stopped to consider what it’s all going to cost.

You tell yourself it’s fine. It’s just one dinner. One gift. One more thing.

But then another expense comes along, and another, and before you know it, you’re looking at your bank account wondering how you managed to spend so much money.

I think a lot of us have been there.

And sometimes, it has very little to do with not knowing how to manage money. It has more to do with how difficult it can be to disappoint people.

When did making everyone happy become our responsibility?

Think about how many times you’ve said yes to something when you really wanted to say no.

You agree to host Thanksgiving because nobody else wants to do it. You offer to bring several dishes because you want everything to be nice. You buy gifts for people even though you’ve already spent more than you planned. You help an adult child financially because you hate seeing them struggle, even though helping them means putting something else on hold for yourself.

Or maybe you’re the friend who always agrees to go along with the plans, even when those plans involve spending money you really shouldn’t be spending.

Most of these aren’t bad things. Being generous, helping family, celebrating special occasions, and spending time with friends are all wonderful things.

But what happens when we start doing these things out of obligation instead of because we genuinely want to?

What happens when we feel like we HAVE to spend the money because saying no makes us uncomfortable?

I think that’s where things can get a little complicated.

We don’t necessarily look at those purchases and think we’re making poor financial decisions. We think we’re being a good mom, a good friend, a good daughter, or someone people can count on.

But meanwhile, our own financial goals keep getting pushed to the back burner.

Sometimes it’s easier to spend the money than to have the conversation.

This is something worth thinking about.

How many times have you spent money simply because you didn’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation?

You don’t want to tell your friends that the restaurant they’ve chosen is too expensive. You don’t want to tell your family that Christmas is going to look a little different this year. You don’t want someone to think you’re being cheap or that you don’t care enough to spend money on them.

So you find a way to make it work.

Maybe you put it on a credit card. Maybe you take money out of savings. Maybe you tell yourself you’ll make up for it next month. And sometimes you do.

But if this becomes a regular pattern, it can create a lot of financial stress.

I’ve always believed that we need to look beyond the numbers when we’re trying to understand what’s happening with someone’s finances. Because sometimes the numbers are telling us something about what’s going on in other areas of our lives.

For example, if you consistently spend money you don’t really have because you’re afraid of disappointing people, creating a budget isn’t necessarily going to solve that problem.

You can create the prettiest budget in the world, but if you can’t bring yourself to say no when someone asks you to spend money, you’re going to keep running into the same problem.

What are you feeling when you spend that money?

This is where I think the emotional side of money gets really interesting.

Let’s say someone asks you to help pay for something. You know you really can’t afford it, but you immediately feel guilty about saying no. Maybe your stomach tightens. Your shoulders tense up. You feel anxious just thinking about having that conversation.

So you agree to help. And almost immediately, that uncomfortable feeling goes away. At least temporarily.

But later, when you look at your bank account, there’s a different kind of anxiety.

We don’t always recognize how much our emotions influence our spending decisions. Sometimes we’re so busy responding to what’s happening around us that we don’t stop long enough to notice what’s happening inside us.

This is one of the reasons I’ve been incorporating somatics into my financial coaching.

Somatic work helps us become more aware of what’s happening in our bodies when we’re experiencing certain emotions or situations. It gives us an opportunity to slow down, recognize those responses, and explore what’s behind them.

Sometimes that little pause can make a difference. Instead of automatically saying yes, we can take a moment to ask ourselves what we’re actually feeling and whether the decision we’re about to make is one we really want to make.

It’s not about ignoring our feelings. It’s about understanding them well enough that they aren’t making all our financial decisions for us.

But what if someone gets upset when you say no?

I think this is where a lot of people struggle.

It’s one thing to look at your finances and know you need to spend less. It’s another thing to actually follow through when it means someone else might be disappointed.

Maybe you’ve always been the one who takes care of things. The one who remembers everyone’s birthday, buys the gifts, helps when someone needs something, and makes sure everyone has what they need.

Changing that can feel uncomfortable.

And let’s face it, some people might not like it.

They may be used to you always saying yes. They may not understand why you’re suddenly doing things differently. But that doesn’t mean you’re making the wrong decision.

You can love your children without paying for everything they want. You can be a good friend without participating in every expensive outing. You can have a wonderful Christmas without buying everything on everyone’s wish list. And you can be generous without putting your own financial security at risk.

I think sometimes we need to remind ourselves that being financially responsible doesn’t make us selfish. It means we’re considering our own needs, too.

Before the holidays get away from you…

We’re heading into the time of year when spending can get a little out of hand. There are gifts to buy, gatherings to attend, food to prepare, travel plans to make, and plenty of opportunities to spend money.

Before you automatically agree to something, I’d encourage you to stop and think about why you’re saying yes. Are you excited about doing it? Do you genuinely want to give that gift or host that gathering? Is it something you can comfortably afford?

Or are you worried about what someone will think if you don’t?

And here’s another question I’d like you to consider:

If you knew nobody would be disappointed, upset, or judgmental, would you still make the same spending decision?

That answer might tell you more than you think.

I don’t want you to stop doing nice things for people. I don’t want you to stop giving gifts, celebrating, or making memories. Those things are part of what makes life enjoyable.

But I also don’t want you to spend the next several months trying to make everyone else’s holiday special while quietly worrying about what it’s going to do to your finances.

You deserve to enjoy the holidays, too.

And you deserve to go into January without a pile of credit card bills reminding you of all the things you felt obligated to do.

Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to do things a little differently.

Maybe that means spending less on gifts. Maybe it means sharing the responsibility of hosting. Maybe it means having an honest conversation with family about what you can and can’t afford this year.

Whatever it looks like, remember that you don’t have to prove how much you love someone by how much money you spend on them. Your financial wellbeing matters, too. And I’d really like you to think about that the next time you feel pressured to say yes.

Something I’d love to know:

Have you ever spent money you really didn’t want to spend simply because you didn’t want to disappoint someone? Maybe it was family, friends, your children, or even a social situation.

I’d love to hear about it because I suspect this is something many of us do without even realizing how often it happens.