I decided to go for a run this morning before more rain headed our way. Yes, I’m in pain but I am used to sucking it up and figured the doc can just put me back together later this morning…LOL! I know I’ve said it before, but I’m not a runner. I just run. I don’t necessarily enjoy it. It’s more like I’m compelled to do it. I don’t time myself and I don’t often check distance. I just run until I’m done. Maybe I’m a distant cousin to Forrest Gump? I decided against music today, instead taking time to pray. I laid my heart bare for The Father (not like He didn’t already know) but I needed to hand it over. I did about two miles when I decided to stop and head to my car. As I got to the parking lot and finished talking to The Peace giver I realized I was crying. I don’t know why, I just know I was. And as I finished my plea, the wind picked up and dried my tears and I came home to submit this…
Every day I learn something new. Some days it’s something I’ve sought out to learn, other days life simply hands me a lesson…or sometimes smacks me upside the head with one. I’ve noticed (and those that know me have noticed and mentioned) I’ve been a bit off lately (trust me when I tell you that they used much more colorful terminology than “off”). I couldn’t really put my finger on what has been wrong but I think it’s starting to come to light for me.
I have been dubbed “one of the happy people”, “a unicorn”, “somehow untouched by life”, and “naturally happy”. That cannot be further from the truth, and sometimes I find it rather insulting. I have been through hell and back and have the physical and emotional scars to prove it. I have worked long and hard to try and stay positive and make the best of the life I have and somehow it boils down to I’m just a naturally happy person for some people. Like it comes so easy. With years of training myself, it has gotten easier but it’s not simply easy. Yes, it has been a long time since I’ve allowed the world to completely crushed me and I don’t want to start now. So today’s learning experience is finding out how to deal with anger…again. One of the “steps”.
Because I realized that I am grieving several things in my life.
When I finally took notice of my (re)actions to things I put two and two together and it became pretty clear what has been going on with me. It’s hard to admit, and I’m not sure why. Grieving isn’t a weakness. It’s a human experience. Yet it’s something most of us won’t admit to or have a hard time admitting when we are down, or hurting, or feeling some other emotion considered less than perfect lest it makes us appear weak. What are we doing to ourselves? We have stopped reaching out to one another in joy and in sorrow and instead isolate and self-medicate. And we wonder why life is so hard. I know we don’t seem to value each other enough. We treat people like they are dispensable and easily replaceable. Maybe it’s because we don’t value ourselves enough.
I know that there are just some emotions that we have to deal with and need to learn to deal with properly. And I need to get back to finding me and working on how I want to be even though all of you think it comes so naturally to me.
I know this isn’t the normal update you get from me but I am a real person with real life issues and through this medium I am hoping to find that some of you can relate and know you are not alone. Yes, I want to encourage and uplift but part of that is showing you that you can overcome.
As always, be kind to one another. We’ll get through it together.
Until next time….think about what’s good today, friends!